The other day, Veda dumped a bottle of Febreze out. Today it was dish soap. And then she pulled all the photographs I was proud of having so neatly arranged over my bed. She is her own force of destruction. Sometimes wasteful. Forcing me to do things differently. Not attempt to replicate them the same way. Her actions often make me want to give up, although I am sure the real intent is for me to start over, try something new. So it is. Change, change, change. Repeat. Start over. Think originally.

Watched Democracy now, seriously, what the fuck am I doing with my life? I need to be involved and raising awareness for all of this shit going on. Not feeling like I have to be responsible for the world, but certainly raise some fucking awareness.

Times I was happy. People that inspire me. People that I envy.

I am trying to think of times I was truly happy. Most of the time I was always looking to the future, Or seemingly bored. I was happy in Ireland and did not want to come home. I was happy in New York, but I was so young mom wouldn’t let me out of her sight. I am happy when reading or writing or outside or eating pancakes alone anonymously in a pancake shop. I am happy when having good sex. I was happy when shooting movies with friends. In class, collaboratively. When heatedly discussing current issues in environmental science or economics. Traveling, traveling, traveling. I’ve been wanting to escape since I was eleven.

People that inspire me. Locally: Beth, Shea and Bill, Barbara, Cheryl, Ian. With their pleasant homes and intense creative community involvement.  Lisa and Bri Farmer’s Market style. Courtney’s studio. Not locally: guy from HONY, Tiffany Rothe, Serena Williams, Neil Degrasse Tyson. Thinker’s Movers Shakers.

People I envy: local gallery owners with attached apartments. People that can afford to eat well out. People that can comfortably pay their bills, support local artisans, and travel. People that have more people that are unconditionally supportive in helping them raise their children. People with better physical attributes and can express their style through clothing and decor. Academics.

“Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time; it is regret for the things we did not do that is inconsolable.”

– Sydney J. Harris, US syndicated columnist.

”

“So – how do you find it? Think back. Look over all the times you were happy. Look to who inspires you. Look to who you envy. All these signs point to your bliss. Times you were happy show you what you love to do. People who inspire you are living a version of life that you want to live. And people that you envy hold the key to the things you “think” you are missing from your life.

 

If you combine all these things you will get a pretty good look at what your bliss is. What your purpose is.

And one more KEY thing. Once you find it, you MUST dedicate your life to SERVICE. To adding value to other people’s lives. Your purpose and bliss are not complete without this KEY ingredient!”

Okay, I am going to give the above some thought and right about it later. Because this subject has really been on mind since last Tuesday’s yoga/walk evening.

Maybe it is color that I need. Color and people and tables full of food and fulfilling work and well what all else. Making things, And maybe I am surrounded by what I need and I don’t even see it. Maybe.

Work: collaborative meaningful work to fulfill me

Important things: sanctuary

eat well

support people doing what they love

closer to nature even if that includes seemingly ironic more active downtown presence wherever i may be

spiritual physicality

“Leave the situation or accept it. All else is madness.” ~ Eckhart Tolle

“Do not let feelings of guilt over your situation as a single parent cause you to be a permissive parent.

My sister told me to check out the JW website and read a few articles and see if anything made me feel more positive. And I have to say these articles on single parenting are hitting the nail on the head. I needed to hear this stuff.

 

“Opposition is a natural part of life. Just as we develop our physical muscles through overcoming opposition – such as lifting weights – we develop our character muscles by overcoming challenges and adversity.” 

-Stephen R. Covey, best-selling author and speaker. 

Life is short, and even for those that get plenty of years, life is meant to be lived fully. I was depressed yesterday, because I realized that the people closest to me are not what is healthiest for me in the my life, and in the way that I pursue it. And that I am living much as I grew up hoping not to live it. In front of a computer screen, but not utilizing the computer as a tool, but as a mind numbing distraction from fulfilling work that would leave me more satisfied. I am constantly compromising myself and my beliefs instead of shining through.

Now is the time for self acceptance and action and making scary decisions. For riding the fear of doubt about my capabilities concerning work and moving somewhere new. NOW is the time.