When bemoaning my situation a lot of times, family and friends ask me “Why don’t you get them to do this or that?” Well, I’ve known for a long time that you can’t “squeeze blood from a turnip.” In fact, I believe the first time I heard that statement was from my (now ex) husband telling me when I was pregnant, that I couldn’t expect to get money from him that he didn’t have.
I made choices that were poor. The choices were understandable in matters of the heart, lovelorn, believing, trusting matters of the heart. But I didn’t stand up for myself. I was afraid to stand tall and communicate my needs. And although, these guys essentially made the same choice and left without turning their heads to acknowledge the consequences, I still have to formulate a conclusion or else let it sap me soul and mind. I have to demand what I deserve and disregard the inevitable “Bitch” phrases and phone calls that will come my way.
I am not the sum of some poor choices that I made several years ago. It doesn’t mean I can’t open up or trust or have spontaneous fun again. But it does mean I have to protect myself, voice my needs, use a condom…the dreaded, file for child support. Times are rough. I don’t have to be around people that let them know I disappointed them. Hell, I disappointed myself. I don’t have to apologize anymore to the people around me. I do not have to carry around my shame and act like a martyr.
Instead, I choose good health. I choose thinking creatively. I choose self-belief, honestly and accountability. Shit’s rough right now but I can figure out a way. Do what I have to do. Figure out the details.